Blindsided...

Do you ever feel like you are just blindsided by life?

I have certainly had some experiences like this on a grand scale, but the last few days, I have just felt it on a small, quiet scale.

I just feel like what I do is just never good enough to satisfy my sense of accomplishment.

I have wonderful moments of confidence as I watch two of my girls help each other to achieve simple tasks like homework, picking up their room or making their beds.

Then the moment is shattered five minutes later as they argue over what stool at the counter was sat in first.

It is like, "Look what you are accomplishing...kind girls who love each other and are working so well together."

To, "What are you thinking? Why are your children arguing over something so petty?"

It is like that saying, "One step forward, and two steps backward."

It is not just the kids either.

I feel this way as I finish a great lesson with the Sunbeams. We have a great day with lots of fun and learning. They are singing the songs, coloring their pages and loving the fun activity for the lesson. All is well, then I walk to the car, climb in the seat, and wonder to myself, "Did they feel the Spirit? Could I have done better in preparing?"

I actually got up this morning, (which is usually the perfect time, just before I begin to wake everyone) when I am so excited for the day. I am filled with ideas of morning conversations, what fun ways can we try on the girls' hair, and so much more.

But this morning...nothing. Just that same numbness that I went to bed with. A sort of sadness that I just wasn't doing everything good enough.

That is how I felt as I sat waiting for Brooke to finish her piano lesson. I thought to myself, "I could do better with her piano playing. I could sit with her more, and teach her more." I didn't let myself remember all the time I did spend with her, by her side, helping her with new pieces. I didn't allow myself to remember that I waited to wake her while I went over her pieces myself, so that I could better coach her through them.

Then I began to help Ellie to finish her spelling and math for the week. As we went through each first grade spelling word on the list I began to critique myself again. "Is she doing well? How does she get perfect scores on her spelling tests every week with a mom like me helping her?"

Even as I sit here and type, tears stream down my face. Why?

I got everyone off to school with lunches, jackets, completed homework and a prayer. That is when I started to ask myself, " Why am I letting such feelings of self-doubt creep in? I KNOW where that sort of self-talk comes from...so why am I letting it affect me so much."

No answer.

I decided to sit down with Annie and finish a bracelet order for a current company purchase order. Thirty bracelets to go. Not overwhelming, not difficult, but this was not a normal Laura day.

Those thirty bracelets took twice as long.

That in itself was not the answer. Sitting there, next to Annie, accomplishing something on the must-do list, did not bring the peace I needed.

We had decided to put on a movie. Nothing looked good, so we went with the channel it was on.

The Blind Side.

Here was a movie about an extraordinary mother.

She was feisty, but amazing!

She saw a child who needed a mother, and she did exactly that.

As I watched this movie, I began to think about my life. The sadness started to move out of my heart, and the joy seemed to slowly find its' way back in.

I am doing the best I can. Heavenly Father knows my heart, and knows me personally. My Savior loves me and is my greatest cheerleader. He loves each of us. Even those of us who feel inadequate in everything they do.

I love my life. I don't love the times I feel like I am not enough, but then I remember...I am enough. I love my children, my husband, my family, my 3 year olds, my friends, the Savior and people I don't even know personally. I am so blessed. Blessed with the successes and the needed improvements.

Thanks for the reminder...tomorrow I will try again...I will look for the rainbow of blessings...and succeed.