Missing them already...

On Tuesday of this week, Madie had her last "first day of school", Brooke had her last "first day of school' as a middle-schooler, Ellie had her first "first day of school" at a brand new school for her, and Annie started kindergarten.

I know that A.J. started college in June, Easton will start high school next Monday, and Tymber will go to preschool starting in September, but I am NOT ready.

I am NOT ready to let them go to school!

I will miss letting them sleep as long as their bodies and minds would let them.

I will miss letting them stay up late fishing together, hanging with friends, and eating until midnight. (ok, I might not miss making them an extra meal everyday about 10:15pm.)

I will miss watching them come up with creative ways to spend their summer days.

Like making things from You Tube videos, trying out new hairstyles, taking runs, making bike jumps of the front walkway, digging in the sand, and swimming.  Lots and lots of swimming.

I know, deep down, that once school starts, that life is filled with early morning wake up calls, breakfast in the dark, long days filled with challenging classes, homework galore, after school activities that push dinner to 8pm if we want to eat together, or crock-pot dishes that we eat as we trickle back in the house, and stricter bedtimes to help with those early mornings.

I know that school means more structure, and possibly a much cleaner and organized home, but I will miss them.

I will miss hearing them discuss life. 

I will miss listening to them as they resolve being bored with a quick trip to 7-11 or the grocery store for a treat.

I will miss it all.

I have my crazy to-do lists ready.

I have my exercise schedule booked in my planner.

I have grand plans of decorating the house for Fall on September 1st, a homemade donut recipe ready for October (national donut month, and one of my favorite months of the year,) and completing shopping and Christmas cards before Thanksgiving, but I would trade them all to spend another week at the lake with my family.

I would give anything to have everyone little again.  

All curled up in my bed, begging for breakfast, books, and the park.

I am excited about this time in all of our kids' lives.

I just wish it would SLOW down!

After saying goodbye to the four girls on Tuesday, I walked inside to see the sign pictured above taped to my "Projects" lists.

I just began to cry.

I feel so inadequate most days.

I feel like a terrible mother other days.

I have days when I want to be better at so many more things.

But, for that moment, reading those words, I knew I was loved and that every moment I have spent loving and teaching my children, is worth it.

There is nothing I would rather do.

There is no one I would rather be.

My kids have energy, talents and challenges that are overwhelming to both them and me sometimes, but together we CAN DO THIS!

So to A.J., Madison, Easton, Brooke, Ellie, Annie and Tymber...

Thank you for choosing me to be your mother.

Thank you for blessing my life just by knowing each of you.

Thank you for challenging me in ways I thought I could never handle.

Thank you for being brave and showing me new things.

But thank you, most of all, for trusting and loving me.

I love you!

I know that your teachers and coaches get you most of the day now, but I will love being with you each night! 

Beginning the "lasts"...

This was Tymber on the way home from church yesterday.

Sound asleep.

Nothing would wake her.

Even as her siblings poured out of the hot car making dibs on the microwave for a quick lunch to fill their bellies...she slept.

Life has been a lot like this lately.

Living every minute to the fullest and then not being able to keep my eyes open.

It was an amazing summer full of memories that will keep, moments I never want to forget and the beginning of the "last" times we will be all together under one roof.

I don't want to miss a thing, and I don't want to forget either, so I am going to try my best to put it all here.  The good and the bad.  The setbacks and the triumphs.

I have played all summer and not gotten the pics up and the feelings documented, so here is to balance.

Living this amazing life with a family I am blessed to lead and love, and taking the time to get it all down, so they will never forget this time.

18 years ago it was a hot August, John and I were playing in a co-ed softball game and we were anticipating becoming parents.

I would never have imagined then, under the lights at the Castle Rock ballfields, that years later I would be planning and living that boy's last year in our home.

I would never have been able to imagine the prayers that would be poured out on my knees for that boy in my belly.  The prayers that he would be able to see what he could become.  The prayers that he would not become distracted with things that would take him away, even for a minute, from the path he was born to pursue.

I am so blessed to be a mother to this crew of 7.  I can do this.  We tell the kids all the time that "we do hard things."  But this may be the hardest...letting go.

Off to embrace the present.

We miss you Gabby...but dream of someday!

Instagram picture of the month...My beautiful children celebrating the memory of their little sister, Gabrielle.

Even as I posted this picture that sweet day, I would have no idea how the whole day would play out.

We went with daisies in hand, wrapped in ribbon by Ellie, to be together where her tiny body lay.

But when we arrived, just pure sweetness greeted us.

Not sadness.

Just the quiet of a peaceful day.

The girls and Easton wandered around sharing stories they read off the other gravestones nearby. 

Stories of short lives of real little ones with family that missed them.

There were babies that were here for months, a few that shared a year with their families, but most just one day.

The perfectly engraved stones bore a name and one date.

The day their little one came here to earth...the same day their spirit went home.

Not to a home full of the smell of newly laundered baby clothes and patterned blankets.

Not to the home with the bassinet sitting empty by the bed of loving parents.

But their home above.

That is where our sweet Gabrielle is...usually.

But not today.

July 26th, this year, was filled with a day of sharing time with her here with us in spirit.

There were signs of her everywhere.

We felt her everywhere.

We missed her.

We love you Gabby!

 These two pictures were taken within seconds of each other.

Did not change the setting on the camera.

Did not turn on the flash.

Just heaven, right here with us, sharing the picture with us.

 My favorite picture of the day!

Look at her gentle hand on the hand of that big sister.

Pure joy!

 As we loaded up in the car, Annie wandered back over to Gabby's bench.

She was fixated on the silver burial box, and would not leave the flowers on the bench.

She wanted them as close to her sister as possible, so she took them and laid them below.

It was beautiful.

And real.

I am grateful for this beautiful family that I have.

The ones who challenge me every day, and the ones I miss everyday.

The ones I get the opportunity to nurture every day, and the ones I will nurture someday.

Most of all, I am grateful for the opportunity to be together forever!

Just thinking...

Don't let the words, "just thinking" worry you. (What do you think Tymber is thinking here?)

I have just been reflecting over the last several days about my life, my family, our destiny together.

It has been a long time since I have taken the time to write down some things I want my children to know and always remember long after I am gone.

I have been busy with loading pictures of wonderful family vacations, fun times with the youth of our church this summer, birthday celebrations, and so much more, but not-so-much the stuff that is in my heart.

Like how I felt on that family vacation when a huge crater in my heart was healed when an outpouring of forgiveness happened.

Or how I felt when I watched A.J. finally take that field as a Varsity quarterback for his State winning team.

Or how excited I am for Madie to have the opportunity to show how beautiful she is, inside and out, on her Homecoming Court.

Or how I feel every morning when Annie and Tymber finally find me with their sleepy eyes and shy smiles.

These are the moments I never want to forget.

Motherhood is a privilege.

It is.

Don't let anyone ever allow the complaints, the trials, the hard work, the tears of frustration to override the honor that it is to be a Mother.

I have been a mother now for almost 17 years.  Actually, 17 years and 7 months, because the day I saw those two lines on that test all those years ago, my dream of being a mother began.

There have been so many days since then.  Some filled with amazing triumph, and others, deep dark despair.

But I never took being a mother for granted.

I think that just may be the trick.

I love seeing those messy chocolate faces if they are accompanied by a smile that shows a mouth full of baby teeth.

I love waking up to a bed full of little girls whose faces are made of some of the softest skin I have ever seen.

I am a realist too.

I don't like having to clean up that chocolate mess.  Especially, if it was consumed in the car seat, that is completely impossible to take apart and reassemble after washing.

But who can really be mad when the chocolate came from a sister who shared her sweet reward with her baby sister?

I don't like not sleeping well, because I am surrounded by little girls who bodies don't believe on sleeping with their head on the soft down pillow and their feet squarely at the bottom of the bed, but rather the diagonal position, or better yet, the horizontal sleep.

But who can really be upset when those sleeping beauties are tucked in next to the man I love who helped me create this amazing life?

I just wanted to take this random Wednesday, and thank my Heavenly Father for the good and the bad.

The days when everything seems to be falling apart, the parenting job I work so hard at seems to be failing miserably, and my husband is sewing his own collar button on an old shirt, because I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning on Saturday days.

All the way to the good days, where the older kids get up on time, have great attitudes, and are happy.

Today is one of those days.  Happy children, loving husband, and a very, very blessed Mother.